Jeremiah, you bitch!

I named you Jeremiah
In hopes that you will uplift me in the God's eyes.
My heart will repent my sins,
And I will be good.

But you changed me, what I am.
My heart is no longer quivering in fear.
I don't feel like I am a reflection anymore.
I am a little speck of myself in the endless eons of time.

You changed me Jeremiah,
Now I guess I have to rename you.

Today is gonna be a new day

Today, 7th December will be a new day for you if you let it.

Two steps forward and a step back, 

But you are still standing. That is not bad.... progress doesn't come in a day.

Like how children don't learn walking without falling.

End of Intimacy

Watching her go was probably the hardest part. It was a point when we both knew what we are and what we loved. But the need to run to her and say I’ll do better, beg to her to stay…. That it’ll be the same, as it once was.

That moment will never come back. We know each other, and that is the curse. The magic of our first moments will never be mirrored in the same light. I know we will never be the same. Then why do I want to cry for something I know will never be. I want to stay with her, yet I want to be without her.

This awful dilemma, a feud between my past and present.

I want to stay with my past, yet I want to live my future….

And I am the present.

Complexity.... thy need to go

I have no idea why I can't figure this out yet.

I see I old friends from baby days and only have rude ass shit to think.

I hate getting screwed, but I am screwing up another person's paper work and blatantly lying.

I can't reach out to people I love..

I find everyone else is inadequate for their jobs but I myself can't pull shit.

I fucking want to quit...

But I don't know how.

dum dum dum....bbang

After a long time time's feeling steady again. The last two months were the worst of the entire bit.

I seriously have trouble understanding the consequences of my choices. But understanding and acceptance is not a step, it is more like a gradual slope. I am learning that loving myself and accepting reality are not easy. 

I'll make it work. 

It'll all get better but only if I start today. 

The road is not going to be smooth, 

So I'll buckle up and kiss my past goodbye.

Ask my brain to be quite and love the body.

One day at a time.

yoo hoo.......say cooocooo, with me

Therapist says

Go try to communicate with people,
Get more active and
Try out more new stuff.

So I tried

Talking to random people I don't know.
Yay.. more exercise..
Yoga tomorrow at 6 tomorrow.

I hope it all works out.

dp..dp..bdp

We all started on the same plate, now I haven't seen them for so long I don't even remember their faces. I wonder how far I fell behind, how much they walked forward.

Nevertheless, looking forward to see my friends. So much that my heart is beating too freaking fast.