I have never cut myself. I have come very close to it but never never did it; instead I jammed my ballpoint pen in my arm. I did it because the pain of flesh numbed the emotional pain.
When we are children most of us live for others. Our family, our society that surrounds us is the only thing we know. Our friends and classmates are just an extension of that. Once we hit the teens so many things change. We figure out images in the simple backdrop and nothing remains the same.
Our bodies change, and some of ours change in unique ways. We figure out our families are more complicated than we thought. Some of our friends turn out to be a completely different breed called the opposite sex. Romance soon follows and is usually followed by heartbreak. Suddenly our lives are our own and we have to live up to it.
Not everyone can cope easily; at least I didn't. The whole world is new and more gore than it was before. The dynamics within our society change and everything seems so out of control. Sometimes some of us take it upon the only thing that seems truly ours, our bodies. The physical pain that we feel are after all truly ours and ours only. In extreme despair pain proves that we are really here, our anger is truly here.
That is why I jammed my pen in my arm, I needed to know about my existence, I needed to know that the moment was real. My friend cut her arm because her lover saw their future differently. My classmate smoked because she wanted to become one of the adults. We all had different reasons; we still have different reasons. There are things in our life that are particular to us that we cannot share. But looking back six years ago I am glad I survived, and I remember about my friends who didn't.
Nobody hurts themselves without a reason. The long term effects are not the foremost thing in the mind when you need to live for at least one moment. That is how I grew up. Now I regret some incidents and behaviors, and some memories leave a fuzzy, sweet aftertaste. But now I know my life is my own and if I jam my pen in my arm again, I am hurting only myself.
This episode of ranting came from seeing bloodied arms of a Baekhyun fan on tumblr. The reasons are very immature and stupid but they brought back memories from back when I did way worse for way less.
Pardon my mistakes and assumptions though, I am not known for thinking things through.
