Thoughts on doing the marriage- INTENSE FEAR

So, my market price has apparently dropped as I became older and more unattractive. Tough, except I still don't understand why people get married. 

I went on my first blind date yesterday and it was as awkward as anticipated. 

Afterwards, I fought with my mother. I told her there is an ocean between us, neither one of us can cross over. 

Animals know to keep their bellies hidden, they know the dangers in strangers. 

The vapid whispers around me, conspiring right in front. Because I am an alien that must be brought to heel. Do they even care that I can hear them? That this is demeaning? Does SHE care that her rejection hurts the most? It feels like needles piercing into my torso.

Thoughts on marriage.... is that it is rejection by my closest family. That it is agreeing to things you don't want because how I live is unacceptable.

BTW, I'm an ace and aro.

Fuck this shit... I'm ready to die

But since I'm ready to go anyways,

Means I have nothing to lose.

So I'm giving it another go.

Only this time I'm trying to change it all.

Fuck it... I'm really ready to go,

But you ain't seen the last of me.

I'll vore my old self,

Since she was so ready to go.

All the things that mattered before,

All my inhibitions,

All the people who drag me down,

Not knowing what they've done.

All the care in the world,

That feels like acid burning my neck,

All the sweet'ums with fake concerns,

Shit... just give me a break.

There is no rhyme, no reason for you, you don't deserve them,

You sucked me dry, leaving a husk, and I thought I were dead.

Fuck you, Fuck you all.

I really am ready to die.

But, I really can't rest in peace knowing you were the reason why I died 

Fuck, shit! I am ready to die.

But I'll choose when and why.

09/03/23 situation at home

Our home in shards, 

Cutting us in every corners.

In turn, you take a hammer to the walls and I shatter the glass. 

No wonder it hurts 

No wonder our shadows unfurl

Into strange creatures.

I don't know who I am.

Who are you, where are we?