09/09/21 It is difficult to clean

I am feeling incredibly guilty. My insides are burning up in shame. I want the ground to swallow me up and disappear from this reality. Fuck this shit. How was I supposed to do this? I am mediocre, or much, much less than that. 

07/09/21

We are leaving Gaibandha. I don't feel like leaving, but life demands that I do. I have to pack my bags and prepare for the hassle of the city. 

Somehow these last few months of COVID had been the best months in a way, left in solitude, rebuilding a home. Now we are preparing to go back to our normal lives. I know I should be feeling motivated, I haven't felt anything though.

I will have to go back to the university, enroll Noyontara in school. I can see the busy life coming at me and I am scared. Mom needs a check-up and so do I.

On that note, I need to take better care of myself, go to the hospitals, meet up with the doctors, exercise and eat well, all that and more. I just want to lie down and waste away, wait for my demise like a beached whale on an uninhabited island. 

All in all, my comfortable bubble is about to burst. I am not looking forward to it.

when I want to talk, shall I write?

I want to talk, but I cut myself off from the world. Mom's reflection in Asrar, new shoes for Noyontara, too much spending today. Wondering if I should buy that watercolor paper.,.........  

So many things in my head. 

❤️

rare moments of missing the father

hot and sour soup

While watching the video, I missed my dad. He never cooked hot and sour soup. He is not a the best cook. He understood all of the basics, but then he would do something crazy, like add a spoonful of turmeric or the next health fad. I missed him while watching the video. It's so strange. Sometimes we miss our worst memories. I missed him. I miss him. I'm missing him.

Today could've gone well...

All's well that ends well, then all's bad that ends bad. My day was coming up after weeks in the gutter. I reacted, I should've just held on. 

I cannot be myself, it is a fucking nightmare waiting to rear out, snapping and growling, snarling and ready to tear at my lifeline- my own carotid.

Diary 19/6/21

Midday has passed. I still can't get out of the bed. I have so much to do, but I have no drive. Restless and addicted to disappointment, lethargic and too scared to even try.... I am both, somehow at the same time. 

Will today turn out to be a day at all?