Why people cut, Why I am a survivor even though I didn't

People have different reasons for cutting themselves. When I was 14 I had a friend who used to cut. I don't remember where she cut but I still remember the bleeding, oozing cuts. My friend is completely normal and okay on the outside. No one is going to look at her and think that she was broken enough on the inside to cut open her flesh.

I have never cut myself. I have come very close to it but never never did it; instead I jammed my ballpoint pen in my arm. I did it because the pain of flesh numbed the emotional pain. 

When we are children most of us live for others. Our family, our society that surrounds us is the only thing we know. Our friends and classmates are just an extension of that. Once we hit the teens so many things change. We figure out images in the simple backdrop and nothing remains the same.

Our bodies change, and some of ours change in unique ways. We figure out our families are more complicated than we thought. Some of our friends turn out to be a completely different breed called the opposite sex. Romance soon follows and is usually followed by heartbreak. Suddenly our lives are our own and we have to live up to it.

Not everyone can cope easily; at least I didn't. The whole world is new and more gore than it was before. The dynamics within our society change and everything seems so out of control.  Sometimes some of us take it upon the only thing that seems truly ours, our bodies. The physical pain that we feel are after all truly ours and ours only. In extreme despair pain proves that we are really here, our anger is truly here.

That is why I jammed my pen in my arm, I needed to know about my existence, I needed to know that the moment was real. My friend cut her arm because her lover saw their future differently. My classmate smoked because she wanted to become one of the adults. We all had different reasons; we still have different reasons. There are things in our life that are particular to us that we cannot share. But looking back six years ago I am glad I survived, and I remember about my friends who didn't.

Nobody hurts themselves without a reason. The long term effects are not the foremost thing in the mind when you need to live for at least one moment. That is how I grew up. Now I regret some incidents and behaviors, and some memories leave a fuzzy, sweet aftertaste. But now I know my life is my own and if I jam my pen in my arm again, I am hurting only myself. 

This episode of ranting came from seeing bloodied arms of a Baekhyun fan on tumblr. The reasons are very immature and stupid but they brought back memories from back when I did way worse for way less.

Pardon my mistakes and assumptions though, I am not known for thinking things through.

Calm Down Exo fans

I logged onto tumblr on the eve of my birthday, hoping for some nice news and good pictures. Instead I came across a war zone. Apparently EXO Kris is leaving and there are so many stories about them. Everyone is putting in their two-cents and things have blown wayyyyy out of proportions, at least that is how I see it. Exo is my third favorite kpop group, and seeing them suffering makes me very sad. Even during good times some Exo fans are over the top, now it has really blown over. Speculating and making assumptions without facts is not right, even if it turns out to be true later. It is sending the rest of the fandom into panic. Some fans have assumed themselves leaders and are promoting a ban SM activity. SM entertainment is a corporation. As in a very big company. I don't know a lot about companies, at least I know that blaming one person does't make sense at all, especially when the present CEO is different from the last time with TVXQ and SuJu. 

Everyone who thinks that SM set up Suho to say those things, really whats so wrong in what Suho said? The poor guy had to accept the award and do the encore in that big stage all by himself. On top of that he is the leader and in these tough times that can't be an easy job. He has to watch over 11 other persons dreams and mold it into one. Imagine what he is going through, what all of Exo is going through.

All in all, please support Exo boys during this crisis. Instead of wondering why Tao used different phones to post on IG, form support groups so you can really help your idols in case if mistreatment. We cannot do that by being crazy and running all over the place. This is the best time to show that Exo fans are really ONE.

.

Sky so Bright, Air so Light... But Why Can't I Breath...

Turmoil is a part of everyday, but today I feel particularly frustrated. Its like you are on a ledge and a rope comes down and dangles in front of you. As you pull the rope it comes down. You keep on pulling and more rope appears. Its like nobody is on the other side of the rope to pull you up.

My frustration comes from trying to call numerous people to get a job done. even though there are so many people who say they will help, the only person to answer the call is a dude with insane rates and standards and inability to communicate with me. I need to learn several languages, including mandarin.

My take on Ran to Haiiro no Sekai

I recently read Ran to Haiiro no Sekai. It was a pleasant surprise for me. The AU felt like something I already saw in my dreams but had to see to remember.

 I don't like the central character. She is willing to give up everyone in the world to save someone in mutual obsessive love. But when Outarou, the recipient of her love, died I felt so sad even though I hated his character so much. I thought his death as a survivor is so much more dignified as a survivor and a lover than just host for parasites who is forgotten in the evil that took over him. even though it took the lives of some extra lives along the way.

I do not like the central character... her moves would get everyone killed if she wasn't surrounded by powerful people. But the story is about a little girl growing up. Somehow I trust Hime to pull her through. It has been sometime since I felt engaged with a story and fell in love with its originality. At least I didn't find something similar. If you have let me know.

Woes in a Saturday

The oncoming shadow of bad choices and wrong decisions on my back is stiffening my spine and I am trying to live on. I have a ton of things to do but my head hurts... this tea maybe my last effort at saving this day. 

Peppermint and pekoe, pls save my day. 

Oh, I read the new chapter of Life in the Woods over at asianfanfics and it was amazing ( smut and all :P). 

Puschi and food.

We are currently hiding a pigeon at our apartment. My brother found a baby pigeon outside our apartment during the chill warning. Even though it had given up on living, it is still alive a week after we found it. It likes Mo a lot more than me so I gave it a shitty name.

Feeding Puschi has proven to be troublesome. At the beginning it could not eat and I had to open its beak and put food in its mouth. Now sometimes I have to hold food in front. Puschi has found a liking for especially greasy food like biryani and fried rice and my doting brother has been supplying it more than enough. So yesterday Puschi had an upset stomach. I went and read posts about pigeon health and now I am worried that Puschi has a life threatening disease. Well Puschi is only with us till it grows up a little bit more. But still I am worried.

EXO and some thoughts

Recently I am really liking the EXO. specially after the gaming with A-Pink thing and Suho's Chat reply. 

But even so I guess I am more Glitz over content girl, considering my top 3 favorite. 

Fav today... making pompoms in large batches. I am gonna try it out :)